it was an evening full of ennui, so i went out. damn, but it got cold when the sun went down. i had a nice little walk and ended up with pete's to warm with cider and read preacher first analysis: no good. it's as if tarantino were to write a comic book. there's horrific gore, endless cussing, cheap philosophizing and crass jokes, even nostalgic tunes.

i can't keep up with the pron, so this really will be a one girl blog for the nonce. just in case anyone out there is feeling pron-deprived, here's a little something to tide you over.

good god. i peeked in under the administrator settings for the first time in, oh, a year, and discovered that the comments section has been getting pron exploded for, oh, ever. surprisingly, not unmanageably so. looks like i've been getting about six undesirable comments a day, and always a page or two back, where i don't go sniffing for comments. more disturbing are the indications that something has been trying to register on my site every day. every day. more sketchy pron-o-bots? yech, blech. only one lady is allowed on this blog, and she is not a sexy underage latina. i'm hoping that frequent weeding will prove sufficient and i won't have to install some comment barriers. you're on, pron-o-bots!

tonight i had a date with my favorite handsome brother. there were far more employees than shoppers at porto rico and they let us break the rules and take down all the cannisters and sniff them (for freshness). i enjoy watching him being fussy about things. i enjoy being with him and not having to prove anything or be anything in particular. it's fun to fuss over him and indulge him and observe the way he moves in the world. i forgot to ask him if he's been reading the wild book of poetry the b.p. gave me.
speaking of the b.p., he may have been right about my change of venue, after all. although high-strung, the office folks have a very frank and easy way with one another. people seem to come right out with their concerns and frustrations, and i don't sense a lot of deep currents or grudges. it's funny getting used to the sensation of not being beneath consideration. i begin to understand how one might be content to work at the same place for years. one of the largest pieces, of course, is having a salary that gives me just a little breathing room. then again, what would be the point of financial breathing room if i felt that work was sucking the life out of me?

sitting on my roof watching the planes wheel around like lightning bugs.
on my way home i came so close to stepping off the train and asking him abjectly if i could come over. fuck valentine's. the more i think about it the more i'll wish i had. it's better to come sit in new york's perpetual twilight enjoying the twinkly lights. he doesn't need me fucking with his closure and i don't need indulgence. there are always more projects at work tomorrow, groceries to buy and bread to experiment with. i'm going to do my forty situps and go to sleep and maybe dream about the ferris wheel again.

snowing yesterday, and 50 degrees and rainy today. the variation is appreciated, although a couple of days of lovely snowiness would have been appreciated as well.
yesterday i received breadbaking advice from my coworkers. tonight there was once more no instant food in the cupboard so i made curried lentils not-quite-from scratch. the cheating was using crappy ass cheapo msg bouillon and the jamaican curry powder, which was really just turmeric and salt, dehydrated garlic and a couple of other spices. otherwise, onions, garlic, lentils, rice, parsley, lemon juice and olive oil. another accidentally vegan meal. i guess my meals will keep on turning out vegan as long as i'm not buying milk and eggs. when i don't have the option of heating up a tin of soup, the thirty minutes cooking time doesn't seem so excessive, and as long as i'm not getting home till after seven i don't have to compete for kitchen space. my cleaning up the personal space mission has lost a bit of steam, but i'm still stealthily making headway against the clutter. it's all very satisfying and it will do.

it's as bright as daytime out on the roof, and the snow keeps whispering down. today was a bit of a rough spot at work, i went and got cigarettes and walked around in it for a while.
brian eno is talking in the background about creativity and happiness.

i assumed that the first few weeks after m and i broke up would be the most difficult, that i'd feel lonely and frustrated and i'd miss him and miss feeling loved and cherished. i figured it would create a crisis point and i'd go back to him or i'd suffer and complain and be miserable and wonder if it was worth it.
i went about my life as normal.
j and my folks helped me rearrange my room so i had more space. when i climb down from bed now the light streams in underneath so the whole space is joyfully illuminated. i kept discovering extra pockets of time to spend with my roommates or old friends. there was time to organize, and i got rid of old things and got new things and cooked. i get up earlier for the new job, make breakfast and pack lunch. i tell my friends i'm happy as a single person for the first time in my life. and on the subways i listen to music he gave me and i miss him during the bookends of my day and through all the tunnels connecting morning and night. it started out easy, but it's gotten hard.

when you're old and lonely
you will wish you'd married me
i could build a fire for you
and bring you cakes and tea.
when you're cold and hungry
i'll be waiting by the phone
you can call me up and tell me
how you're all alone
all alone..
when you're old and lonely
and the rush of life is past
days go by too slowly and
the years go by too fast.
when your golden loneliness is
heavier than stone
you can call me up and say
my god i'm all alone,
all alone...
- the magnetic fields

last night i dreamed i was in london again. first i was in this big reenactment, like a giant diorama thing. it was like treasure island/peter pan/the jungle book. and i was climbing around in trees or sloshing through knee-deep water to try and escape. there were men in animal costumes, fake-looking ones made of shag carpet or twine or something, but they'd forgotten that they were acting. three gorillas rowing a dingy grabbed at me. a friend helped me to safety. i was upin one of the trees and i saw that someone had taken a penknife and carved little geometric decorations into the bark and the branches and leaves were folded up like origami.
later...
i was reunited with an old lover. we were delighted to see each other. we went to see sharyn, who was directing a dance rehearsal for 40 5-year-olds, also in animal costumes. my father started a loud monologue on etymology, interrupting the rehearsal. i shushed him, but then an identical father struck up the conversation with him again. the lover and i got in a car and went for a drive. we were surrounded by carnival rides. i wanted to go up in the great ferris wheel, but a storm was swirling all around. you couldn't see anything. i keeping spinning and seeing the clouds descend and descend. it was frightening. there was a little model of london on a stand. i saw what the problem was: the part where we were standing was covered in sea foam. i leaned down and blew it off.

spent the weekend in jersey for one of sean's annual extravaganzas. sean and those friends of his that i've known since high school were what ryn and i had for role models at the time. being around them again i get to stop trying to be grown up and just be admired, teased, tickled and cuddled. on top of much-needed face time with my two closest friends, kurt managed to cajole dear amy fae up from maryland. despite frequent references to a saga that took place during a dead zone in our correspondence, it was like no time had passed. i put the bindi on her forehead and played the zills while she danced as part of the evening's performances. kurt and i kept checking on her all night; most of the people at these things have known each other for years and it's hard to break in, especially if you don't like big groups of people. kurt also kept a watchful eye on me while i danced with the boys. at the end, though, dancing till 3 in the morning it was amy, ryn and i. the dj put on "she has a girlfriend now," and we all held hands and spun during the chorus, pointing at the boys watching and rolling our eyes.