this afternoon i was sitting at my desk dropping into a pit of sadness. i sat up, took a deep breath, and shook myself. why am i so sad? i thought to myself. then the beethoven swelled again and i realized the sadness had an external source, after all. my parents gave me that cd in college and i used to play the same movement over and over again in my dorm room, indulging in dark thoughts. my moods these days are more temperate. a relief.
j sent me a mix and i put it on in the kitchen while i prepared the week's bread on sunday, making up moresque dances as the dough rose. it was a beautiful sunny day and the house was empty all afternoon. i took the tassajara bread book's advice to "wind up" the dough before putting it in the pan and wouldn't you know, it finally rose to a respectable height when i baked it. the boys who showed up to play video games divested me of slices. i consider it a success!

it was an evening full of ennui, so i went out. damn, but it got cold when the sun went down. i had a nice little walk and ended up with pete's to warm with cider and read preacher first analysis: no good. it's as if tarantino were to write a comic book. there's horrific gore, endless cussing, cheap philosophizing and crass jokes, even nostalgic tunes.

i can't keep up with the pron, so this really will be a one girl blog for the nonce. just in case anyone out there is feeling pron-deprived, here's a little something to tide you over.

the construction site down the hall from my office looking like a ron gorchov/rothko installation

good god. i peeked in under the administrator settings for the first time in, oh, a year, and discovered that the comments section has been getting pron exploded for, oh, ever. surprisingly, not unmanageably so. looks like i've been getting about six undesirable comments a day, and always a page or two back, where i don't go sniffing for comments. more disturbing are the indications that something has been trying to register on my site every day. every day. more sketchy pron-o-bots? yech, blech. only one lady is allowed on this blog, and she is not a sexy underage latina. i'm hoping that frequent weeding will prove sufficient and i won't have to install some comment barriers. you're on, pron-o-bots!

tonight i had a date with my favorite handsome brother. there were far more employees than shoppers at porto rico and they let us break the rules and take down all the cannisters and sniff them (for freshness). i enjoy watching him being fussy about things. i enjoy being with him and not having to prove anything or be anything in particular. it's fun to fuss over him and indulge him and observe the way he moves in the world. i forgot to ask him if he's been reading the wild book of poetry the b.p. gave me.
speaking of the b.p., he may have been right about my change of venue, after all. although high-strung, the office folks have a very frank and easy way with one another. people seem to come right out with their concerns and frustrations, and i don't sense a lot of deep currents or grudges. it's funny getting used to the sensation of not being beneath consideration. i begin to understand how one might be content to work at the same place for years. one of the largest pieces, of course, is having a salary that gives me just a little breathing room. then again, what would be the point of financial breathing room if i felt that work was sucking the life out of me?

sitting on my roof watching the planes wheel around like lightning bugs.
on my way home i came so close to stepping off the train and asking him abjectly if i could come over. fuck valentine's. the more i think about it the more i'll wish i had. it's better to come sit in new york's perpetual twilight enjoying the twinkly lights. he doesn't need me fucking with his closure and i don't need indulgence. there are always more projects at work tomorrow, groceries to buy and bread to experiment with. i'm going to do my forty situps and go to sleep and maybe dream about the ferris wheel again.

snowing yesterday, and 50 degrees and rainy today. the variation is appreciated, although a couple of days of lovely snowiness would have been appreciated as well.
yesterday i received breadbaking advice from my coworkers. tonight there was once more no instant food in the cupboard so i made curried lentils not-quite-from scratch. the cheating was using crappy ass cheapo msg bouillon and the jamaican curry powder, which was really just turmeric and salt, dehydrated garlic and a couple of other spices. otherwise, onions, garlic, lentils, rice, parsley, lemon juice and olive oil. another accidentally vegan meal. i guess my meals will keep on turning out vegan as long as i'm not buying milk and eggs. when i don't have the option of heating up a tin of soup, the thirty minutes cooking time doesn't seem so excessive, and as long as i'm not getting home till after seven i don't have to compete for kitchen space. my cleaning up the personal space mission has lost a bit of steam, but i'm still stealthily making headway against the clutter. it's all very satisfying and it will do.

it's as bright as daytime out on the roof, and the snow keeps whispering down. today was a bit of a rough spot at work, i went and got cigarettes and walked around in it for a while.
brian eno is talking in the background about creativity and happiness.

i assumed that the first few weeks after m and i broke up would be the most difficult, that i'd feel lonely and frustrated and i'd miss him and miss feeling loved and cherished. i figured it would create a crisis point and i'd go back to him or i'd suffer and complain and be miserable and wonder if it was worth it.
i went about my life as normal.
j and my folks helped me rearrange my room so i had more space. when i climb down from bed now the light streams in underneath so the whole space is joyfully illuminated. i kept discovering extra pockets of time to spend with my roommates or old friends. there was time to organize, and i got rid of old things and got new things and cooked. i get up earlier for the new job, make breakfast and pack lunch. i tell my friends i'm happy as a single person for the first time in my life. and on the subways i listen to music he gave me and i miss him during the bookends of my day and through all the tunnels connecting morning and night. it started out easy, but it's gotten hard.

when you're old and lonely
you will wish you'd married me
i could build a fire for you
and bring you cakes and tea.
when you're cold and hungry
i'll be waiting by the phone
you can call me up and tell me
how you're all alone
all alone..
when you're old and lonely
and the rush of life is past
days go by too slowly and
the years go by too fast.
when your golden loneliness is
heavier than stone
you can call me up and say
my god i'm all alone,
all alone...
- the magnetic fields