taken outside my apartment this month.

last night i dreamed i was in london again. first i was in this big reenactment, like a giant diorama thing. it was like treasure island/peter pan/the jungle book. and i was climbing around in trees or sloshing through knee-deep water to try and escape. there were men in animal costumes, fake-looking ones made of shag carpet or twine or something, but they'd forgotten that they were acting. three gorillas rowing a dingy grabbed at me. a friend helped me to safety. i was upin one of the trees and i saw that someone had taken a penknife and carved little geometric decorations into the bark and the branches and leaves were folded up like origami.
later...
i was reunited with an old lover. we were delighted to see each other. we went to see sharyn, who was directing a dance rehearsal for 40 5-year-olds, also in animal costumes. my father started a loud monologue on etymology, interrupting the rehearsal. i shushed him, but then an identical father struck up the conversation with him again. the lover and i got in a car and went for a drive. we were surrounded by carnival rides. i wanted to go up in the great ferris wheel, but a storm was swirling all around. you couldn't see anything. i keeping spinning and seeing the clouds descend and descend. it was frightening. there was a little model of london on a stand. i saw what the problem was: the part where we were standing was covered in sea foam. i leaned down and blew it off.

spent the weekend in jersey for one of sean's annual extravaganzas. sean and those friends of his that i've known since high school were what ryn and i had for role models at the time. being around them again i get to stop trying to be grown up and just be admired, teased, tickled and cuddled. on top of much-needed face time with my two closest friends, kurt managed to cajole dear amy fae up from maryland. despite frequent references to a saga that took place during a dead zone in our correspondence, it was like no time had passed. i put the bindi on her forehead and played the zills while she danced as part of the evening's performances. kurt and i kept checking on her all night; most of the people at these things have known each other for years and it's hard to break in, especially if you don't like big groups of people. kurt also kept a watchful eye on me while i danced with the boys. at the end, though, dancing till 3 in the morning it was amy, ryn and i. the dj put on "she has a girlfriend now," and we all held hands and spun during the chorus, pointing at the boys watching and rolling our eyes.

truth be told, i'm not sure i like cigarettes so much anymore. a couple of mornings waking without that heavy feeling in my chest was nice, and when i walked to get lunch this afternoon i was aware of smells in the air that i haven't noticed in a while.

when i got home they were gone. there was a trail of pine needles leading up the stairs to the door, and inside the futon was folded up and my roommates were sitting on it surfing the internet.
goals for the weekend:
rembrandt
1940s outfit
meeting on sunday...?
or at least laundry.

lying in bed, my new lovely bed against the back wall now abuts j and s's room so i can hear more clearly the disputes sparked by my careless words. i want to go out into the living room but i don't want my ex and his sunny girl to see my misery. i feel like ron mueck's giant wild man in his chair, surveying all the tiny people wrapped up in personal dramas. i feel massive and awkward when i most want to slip unobserved into dream currents where i can live out and forget my insecurities.

new year's resolution: one cigarette, one blog post. and so on. if i insist on killing myself gradually, i can at least get something out of the process. but no length restrictions. i'm not going to drive myself crazy with that kind of silly shit.
we had a pleasant couple of domestic days with everyone welcoming bridge into the household. she's met the crazy neighbors, been out drinking with sam, seen all of us shitfaced, and witnessed a minor squabble. she takes it all in stride and will soon be posting incriminating pictures of us on her facebook account. i think she'll do just fine here, a relief after my last roommate pick turned out to be totally incompatible. let's hope i do as well picking a new member of my department at ps1. interviews start thursday. the following wednesday will be my last day at ps1. i'm getting pretty severe senioritis or checkingoutism. thank goodness for the holidays for breaking up the week, and san francisco to look forward to. did i mention i haven't been there since i was ten or so? perhaps i was younger, because my memories of that trip are just snapshots. i remember watching them spin the cable car around on a turntable at the end of the line to send it back where they came from, and the buskers down by the docks. we had extraordinary ice cream sundaes at ghirardelli square after we got back from alcatraz. somewhere we spent a day at the beach though it was the wrong time of year for swimming. the sand was littered with a million different kinds of seaweed and i draped it over my body and in my hair.
gute nacht, boys and girls. it's time to smoke my lucky.

and maybe last night i drunk dialled a stranger in an attempt to call my new roommate's mother. maybe i successfully drunk dialled my own mother, drank into a hangover, and hurt the feelings of a dear friend. maybe the night before last i carried someone i've known since i was 13 into a car after he made a wreck of himself in one of my favorite bars then went back inside and kept drinking. maybe i'm still smoking and it's been more than a year since i went to aikido. still there's a rising sense of optimism. at the end of my last day at p.s.1 i'm getting on a plane to go to san francisco for a few days. i'm gonna walk everywhere and see beautiful art and take in new smells. thomas was marking up a map for me with helpful and unhelpful landmarks: "this is where jess used to live. this is where i used to live. stay out of this triangle at night. there are some crazy strip joints down this street." the day after i get back i start my new job in soho. it feels like moving forward. it feels like progress.
happy new year.

i miss maps for us! why does this website no longer exist? the people need random maps. we demand them.

i put the idea into steph's head that she get a hypoallergenic hedgehog, and she's running with it. i want THEEES ONE!!!